I've blogged a few times about my bad wrists and hands.  The neurologist thinks it's Nerve Damage, and the MRI was a massive and epic FAIL, but now, I have similar symptoms in my lower back and hips.
Stiffness, aching, pins and needles, shooting pain.
I did what any other person would do, I went to the doctors to get it checked out.

Apparantly there is nothing wrong with my back/hips/legs. IN FACT, the doctor reckons there is nothing wrong with my hands either. IN FACT, the doctor thinks (this is a new doctor to the surgery by the way) that my problems (ALL OF THEM) are to do with my morbid obesity.
I hate that term, morbid obesity. but I suppose it's better than being called a fattie.
Yes, apparantly if I lose a LOT of weight, then I will find that my symptoms for my hands and hips/legs, and my asthma will dissappear.

I know that I am overweight, I know that.  and yes, a lot of people who are overweight have health issues, which I won't even go into what they are, cause most people know, and if ya don't know, then that's what GOOGLE is for.
I'm not a doctor, I know that.  But I beg to differ.  I don't think the problem with my hands is weight related, and I don't think the problem with my hips/legs are weight related, and I KNOW my asthma isn't weight related.  I know this because I have had asthma since I was 15.  At 15 I was just on the border of being underweight.

When I was 15, I was the same height I was now, which is 5"3, and I just didn't weigh enough.  I weighed just 7 stones, I was told by my nurse that I HAD to put weight on, and I did.  At the age of 16, I weight 8st 6lbs, thats 118lbs.  I had big boobs, and I wore a size 8UK.
Eventually my size creeped up, sadly I never got any taller.  I weigh approximately 14 stone, which, I KNOW, is a lot, it's about 196lbs.  In 10 years I have increased in size, from a size 8UK to a size 18UK, and gained 78 pounds.  At 16, I was not fully developed or matured, so understandably I gained weight, I filled out etc.  Maybe I filled out too much.  I don't see, however, that I am ever destined to be that size again.

It makes me sad.  I don't eat sweets or crisps.  I try to eat healthy food.  I don't starve myself.  I try to be more active, even though it's hard.  I've NEVER been athletic.  I NEVER WILL BE athletic.  but I try. I TRY.  it's just not enough.  I feel like nothing will ever be enough.  I'll never be slim.  I'll always have to stress when shopping, stress when trying to find something nice to wear, stress because nice pretty clothes are always for slimmer people.

To be fair, I don't look "large" or "fat", maybe cause I have large boobs, which generally, people notice first.  I don't wear clothing that skims my bumps and lumps, I wear clothing that tries to hide my weight.  People who know me, know that I joke about my size.  I guess it's my way of coping.  Coping with the fact that I'll never be as "small" as I used to be.  and I won't.

After today, all I see now, when I look in the mirror, is, well, I don't want to say, but it's not nice.


Every woman is unhappy with some part of her body, and any woman who tells you that she's not unhappy with something or the other, is LYING.  Whether it be weight, height, shoe size, boob size, hair, tummy, etc etc, every single woman has something about her body that she hates.  Some can afford to "fix" it with cosmetic surgery, others can't.  Some women have such issues that they develop eating disorders, or they self harm.  I joke. 

I don't think I can joke anymore.  I try, and I'll keep trying, and I'll try hard.

right now I feel like I need to have a prozac dinner.
:(